"Stand By Your Man" Typed by: Ruchira
(Act 1-At Sharkeyís) (Everyone except Jake and Tiffani are watching Jake on a video tape) Jake(in a pirate voice): Yo ho ho and a bucket of shrimp. Aar. Come to Pirateís Cove restaurant says Aye. Youíll love our specials. Right, Molly? (looks at fake parrot and says in parrot voice) Bawk, try our Bette Midler shortcake. Bawk. Lorena: Wow, that is one funny video, Sly. Sly: Yup, with this tape, weíre sure to win Wacky Videos. Tony: Yeah, and all it took was a little time, a little video tape, and a whole mess of Jakeís pride. Mark: Donít you guys feel bad for Jake? Working at some lame pirate cove just to pay for his motorcycle insurance? Sly: Yeah, yeah. You donít hear the parrot complaining; she did half the work. Sam: I still canít believe Jake is letting you send it in. Tony: No, man he loves it, he wouldíve shot it himself if he could. (Enter Jake) Jake: Gimme the tape. Sly: Sorry, Jake itís our only copy and weíve gotta send it in. You can tape it when itís on TV. Jake(holds up one finger): One. Sly: Oohwhoowhoowhooooh! Big whoop. Whatíre you gonna do-count to three and if donít give it back, what? Paddle our fannies! Jake(holds up two fingers): Two. Tony: Oh, count all you want, man. Count Ďtill youíve got gray hairs and grand children. You donít scare us so BANG!(sticks his hand out) (Sly puts one finger, two fingers and slaps his fanny at the same time Tony speaks) Jake(holds up three fingers): Third. Tony and Sly: OK, OK, please. (Jake grabs tape as Tiffani enters) Tiffani: Hi Jake! How was your first day at work? Jake(in a pirate voice): Aar, first and last says aye. Tiffani: I figured youíd hate it. So, I looked around and I found this- a want add for- Jake: No, forget it. Iíd rather never ride my bike again then get stuck with another lame job. Tiffani: OK. Then I guess you wouldnít want this job repairing motorcycles anyway. Jake: Wait, wait. Motorcycles? Let me see that. (Grabs the piece of paper) Oh, this is great! Iíll never have to bum a ride again. (Leaves Sharkeyís) Tiffani(holds up her fingers): One. Two. Thr- Jake: Uh, Tiff can I get a ride? Tiffani(getting up): Sure. Iíll take you to the interview. (Exit Jake and Tiffani) Tony: Man, I donít believe it. That tape couldíve won us the contest. Sly: We are NOT giving up. We just gotta to find another sap. Mark(with french fries in his mouth): Hey, guys look at me-Iím a walrus. (Tony and Sly put their fingers up in the shape of a camera) Mark(removes the french fries): Uh, no wait Iím not a walrus see? Uh, JAKE WAIT UP! (Tony and Sly look at each other and smile) (At the garage) Tiffani(looking at the paper): It says to talk to some guy named Mel. I hope heís here. Mark: Well, letís ask him(pointing to a greaser) Jake: Guys, weíre in a garage. Thereís a big hairy, greasy guy. Thatís Mel. Hey, yo Mel! Greaser: Iím not Mel. Thatís Mel(pointing to a lady) Mark: Woah! Jake: Thatís Mel?! Tiffani: Thatís it. Iíll pay for your insurance-letís go!!(grabs Jakeís arm) Jake: No, no Tiff. Címon. You got nothin to worry about, I mean I admit for a Mel, sheís kinda cute but you know I only love you. (Takes her hand) Tiffani: I know, I know. You need the job, you need the money, I trust you. Mel: Are you here about the mechanics job? Jake and Mark: Yes. Jake(looking at Mark): Winkle, you donít know anything about bikes. Mark: But Iíd be willing to learn. Mel: All right, interview is over. I donít hire people who play games. (Jake looks at Mark and Tiffani grabs Markís shirt toward her.) Jake: Look, Iím sorry about my friend- Mel: Donít worry about it. Now listen, Iím trying to get this bike fixed and itís gotta be done by five. Jake: It sounds like the ignition timing is off. Itís probably a just a little screw- Mel: Thanks, but I think I know what Iím doing. My grandfatherís own this shop for years and Iíve working here ever since I was twelve. Jake: Whatever. (Mel fixes the bike as Tiffani, Jake, and Mark leave) Mel: Hey! You still want the job? You got it! Mark: Great, whereís my time card? (At Lorenaís loft) Sly: Fenito! When Mark turns on that faucet-BABOOM! Soak city! Tony: All right Sly. Now Iíve fixed the camera so all we have to do is wait for Mark to make a sap of himself. Sam: You guys are brutal. Donít you have any conscience at all? Sly: Sam, you woon me. Of course I have a conscience. Iím just smart enough to ignore it. (Turns to Tony) OK you remember the signal? Tony: Markís coming. Sly: Right. Tony: Sly, Markís coming. Sly: Yeah, thatís right. Tony: NO, MARK IS COMING! Sly: OH! (Sly grabs the wrench and sits down) (Enter Mark) Mark: Hey guys! Tony: Say Mark? Iíve seemed to have developed a bit of a gummy lately. Sly: Hee, hee. Tony: Can you get me a glass of water? Mark: Sure. Sly and Tony(in a whisper): Sap. (Mark turns on faucet and then grabs cup as the water reaches Slyís mouth and face getting him wet) Sly: AAHHH, AHHHH! Mark: You guys didnít think youíd really get me- WET. Have a rag. Here. (Mark hand Sly a tissue) Sly(in a sarcastic tone): Oh, gee thanks! (Enter Tiffani) Tiffani: Hey guys! Practice is gonna have to start late. Jake just called and heís working overtime with Mel. Sam: Hmm. Heís been doin a lot of that lately, hasnít he? Lorena: Mmm, hmm. Mark: Iíd be working tons of overtime too, if Mel were my boss. Tiffani: Guys, itís no big deal. Itís nothing to get jealous about. Jake and I have a trusting relationship. Sly: Why canít I date girls like you? Tiffani: You mean "trusting"? Sly: No, naÔve and gullible. Sam: Sly, Tiffaniís right to trust Jake.(Looks at Lorena and they both smile) So what if he and Mel happen to be working close together. Lorena: Alone at night. Covered with grease, muscles straining, engines revving- Tiffani: Nice try. Itís not working. Mark: Thatís what you think. (splashes water on himself) (Act 2-At PCH) Tony: Ooh, a hidden camera in the backpack. Very clever, Mr. Winkle, very clever! Sly: And let me commend YOU Mr. Wicks on a job well done on Mr. Sapís locker. Tony: Well, you know. I couldnít have done it without your low-down, Acme TNT chasiní running Wile E. Coyote Oscar! Sly: Nah! I canít wait. When Mark open his locker-BABOOM! Weíll pickin up our prize at Wacky Videos while heís picking confetti out of his nose. (Enter Mark) (Sly stretches so the camera will aim at Mark and his locker) Tony: Now, as I was saying. This whole budget deficit has really got me up a tree! Sly: Oh, donít get me started, I could go on ALL day! (Mark shakes his head, opens locker, grabs books, and closes it) Mark: See ya! (Exit Mark) Sly: Whereís the Baboom? Tony: I donít know. It shouldíve been locked in as soon as he opened it up. (They walk over to Markís locker, open it and duck. Tony pounds on it slowly) Tony: I donít get it. (Pounds on it harder and confetti lands in their face) Tony and Sly: AAHHH! (Enter Tiffani and Jake) Tiffani: Jake, we had a date for this afternoon, you promised. Jake: Tiff, I know I promised and Iím sorry. But one of the guys called in sick. I mean what can I do, itís my job. Tiffani: This is the third date youíve broken since youíve gotten that job. We hardly ever see each other anymore. Jake: I miss you too. Let me make it up to you all right? Dinner tonight at Sharkeyís? Tiffani: All right. Jake: Great! Remember when Jake Sommers makes a promise, he keeps- (Tiffani looks at him) Jake: Well, heís gonna keep this one. Sly: Hey, Jake. You need a lift to work. Jake: Sure(kisses Tiffani on her forehead) Not a problem? Sly: Not a problem at all. I was gonna check out Mel for myself. Tony: Oh, yeah, YEAH! I heard sheís gotta great body. (Looks over his shoulder to see Sam) Tony: SHOP! Body shop, shop? Sam: Quit while youíre ahead. (The guys exit) Lorena(to Tiffani): Boy, oh, boy, do you have SUCKER written all over your face. Sam: I hate to say it Tiff, but Iíd be worried if I were you. I think Jake is spending a little too much time with Mel. Tiffani(looking at both of them back and forth): You guys are making SOMETHING out of NOTHING. I am not jealous, do you hear me- I"M NOT JEALOUS! (Tiffani leaves and comes back) Tiffani: OK, OK Iím jealous. What do I do? Lorena: What any self-respecting woman would do- Lorena and Sam: SPY! Tiffani: Spy on Jake? No way. I would rather just confront him. Sam: OK Tiff. If you think your little Jakey-Wakey is so trustworthy and loyal, letís give him-THE TEST. Lorena: Yeah, thatís it! You need the test to test and see thatís what weíre gonna do! Whatís the test? (At Sharkeyís) Tony(to Mark): More iced tea? Refills are-on the house. Mark: No thanks, Tony. Six glasses are enough.(puts glass down and Tony refills it) Ugh. In fact a little too much. I have to go to the bathroom. Tony: The BATHROOM, huh? Yes, well you go to the BATHROOM. Thatís right, you do that. BATHROOM! Mark: Gee, Tony, thanks for telling everyone! Sly(with camera in hand): Did I hear someone say "Bathroom?!" (Tony and Sly run into the bathroom. Things are crashing and Tony and Sly yell. They come out with a toilet over their head a tissue paper all over) Tony: Iím really starting to dislike your cousin, Sly. Sly: Donít worry, that sapís luck canít hold out forever. (Enter the girls, looking at Tony and Sly) Tony and Sly: Donít ask. (Exit Tony and Sly) Sam: OK, Tiff. In order to see if Jake is telling the truth, weíre rigging him to a lie detector test. Tiffani: But we donít have a lie detector. Lorena: Allow me to introduce the Tooshie Tester 2000. (points at a Sharkey bench) Courtesy of the Science Club. Sam: If he tells the truth heís OK, BUT if he lies he receives a minor uncomfortable sensation. Lorena and Sam: Whoooo, Ha, Ha, Ha! (Tiffani looks at them) Sam(turning to Tiffani): Itís just a little shock. (Enter Jake) Tiffani(kisses Jake): Hi! Jake: Whatís going on? Tiffani: Why donít we have a seat. Jake: Címon Tiff, I thought we were supposed to be having a date. Tiffani: Uh, I invited Sam and Lorena to join us. You donít mind do you? (Sam and Lorena lean forward) Jake: No. OWW!(he jumps up) Lorena: Whatís the matter? Jake: I donít know. I think somethin bit me. Tiffani: So how was work? Jake(sitting back down): It was good. Sam: Did you miss Tiffani? Jake(looks back and forth at Sam and Lorena): YEAH! (Tiffani looks at Sam and Lorena and smiles as they look at Tiffani in disgust) Sam: So Sly and Tony tell me your boss, Mel, is quite a dish. What do you think? Is she hot or what? Jake: Sheís not that ho-OWW!(he jumps up again) Iím telling you, thereís something under this bench! Tiffani: I donít see anything, honey. Waiter at Sharkeyís: Jake, youíve got a phone call. Someone named Mel. Jake: Oh, I gotta take this. I told her to call me here if she needed any help. (Tiffani gets up and moves over to where Jake was sitting) Sam: So, are you ready to spy yet. Tiffani: No-OWW!(she looks at them in disappointment) (At the garage) (Tiffani, Sam and Lorena enter, dressed as bikers) Tiffani: You know this feels so wrong! Lorena: I know, this beard is starting to give me a rash! Tiffani: No, I mean it feels wrong to spy on Jake! Iím gonna walk over there, take this beard off, and tell how I feel. Mel: Can I help you? Tiffani(in a low voice): Uh, yeah, uh, we need our bike fixed. Mel: What kind is it? Sam(in a low voice): What kind? Itís a SCHWINN- Lorena(in a low voice): HONDA- Tiffani: HARLEY! Sam: Schwanda- Tiffani: Ley. Mel: Hey, Jake have you ever heard of a (the girls turn around and pretend to gag) a Scwandaley? Jake: Nope, but I can fix anything. Mel(turning to the girls): OK, when can you bring it in? Sam: Tomorrow. Lorena(whispering): I canít, Iím getting my nails done tomorrow. Sam: Howís Friday? Tiffani: GUYS! Sam: Uh, Friday! Mel: OK, bring it in whenever. (Sam walks in a funny way toward Mel) Sam: Yeah, well weíll leave you and your BOYFRIEND alone. Lorena(pushing Sam out of the way): It must be nice working with your BOYFRIEND. You can make-out anytime you want! (Lorena and Sam slap high-fives) Mel: Him?(pointing to Jake) No, heís not my boyfriend. Heís just a high-school kid who works for me. (Mel walks off and Sam and Lorena go over to Tiffani) Sam: That settles it, heís definitely cheating on you! Tiffani: Guys, stop trying to cause trouble, Jake is NOT cheating on me. I knew we shouldnít have come, now letís get out of here! (Mel trips over something and Jake grabs her) Jake: I gotcha. Tiffani: I knew it! He is cheating on me!(she kicks over a motorcycle) Sam: HEY WATCH IT, TIFF! (They look back at Mel and Jake) Sam(in a low voice): I mean, "Watch it, Biff!" (Jake walks over to them) Jake: Lorena? Sam? TIFFANI? Whatís going on? Tiffani: Iíll tell you whatís going on.(she rips off her beard)Ow. Youíre CHEATING on me with Mel. Mel: No, Iíll tell you whatís going on. YOU"RE FIRED! This is business, Jake, now I want you and youíre goofy friends outta here! Jake(looks at Tiffani in anger): I canít believe you! (Tiffani closes her eyes as Jake exits) Sam(in a low voice, walks over to Mel): Maybe we wonít bring our bike in. (Act 3-PCH) (Tiffani is sitting down alone as Sam and Lorena come up to her) Sam: Tiff, we feel a slight tad responsible for what happened. (Tiffani looks at them in anger) Lorena: OK. A humongous, slight tad responsible. Sam: But, we wanna make it up to you. We thought of a way to get Jake his job back. Tiffani: I shouldíve never listened to you guys. I may have lost Jake by acting so stupid and jealous. Lorena: Weíre real sorry, Tiff. Sam: Yeah, we messed up. Tiffani: Well, Iíll tell you one thing. Iím through playing games. I shouldíve just trusted my instincts and told Jake how I felt from the beginning. (Enter Jake) (Jake sees Tiffani and walks away but Tiffani pushes him back) Tiffani: Jake, I am sorry I lost your job. (Jake moves further but Tiffani pushes him back) Tiffani: Arenít you gonna talk to me? (Jake pushes passed her but she stops him, pushes her hair back and puts her hands on her hips) Tiffani: Hey, there big boy. Jake: You just donít get it do you? (Exit Jake) (Enter Tony and Sly) (Tony and Sly are covered with shaving cream) Sly: I canít believe this. How lucky can that guy be?! Tony: Sly, have I ever told you how much I HATE YOUR COUSIN!! (looks at Tiffani) Hey, Tiff, howís it going? Tiffani: Not too well. Jakeís still angry I got him fired. Sly: Youíre wrong. Sure Jakeís angry you got him fired but more than that, heís hurt that you didnít trust him. Tiffani: Sly, youíre right! I bet thatís what he meant when he said I didnít get it. (Sly nods and Tiffani exits) Tony: Thatís a, pretty good there Sly. Whereíd you get that trust stuff? Sly: An old episode of Blossom. When she lectures Six about trust. Tony: Oh, yeah, yeah, I think I saw that one. Thatís when Joey goes "Woah!" (At Sharkeyís) (Everyone except Jake is there, watching Markís video, showing Sly getting soaked, and Tony and Sly getting hit in the face with confetti) Mark: And hereís where I nailed them in the bathroom. (They all laugh except for Sly and Tony) Lorena: Youíve got it Mark, this is definitely gonna win WACKY VIDEOS! Sam(looking at Sly and Tony): You guys must feel like idiots. (The girls laugh) The whole time you were trying to get Mark, he was getting YOU! (Tony and Sly leave the table) Tony: Sly, have I ever told you how much I hate your cousin. Oh, I hate him, let me count the ways. (Mark comes up to them) Mark: Hey, guys I thought when I win, Iíd split the money three ways. Tony: Maybe heís not so bad. Sly: Thatís pretty cool, Cuz. Mark: Saps! (Zooms back to Lorena and Tiffani) Lorena: Jake still isnít talking to you?(Tiffani shakes her head) Donít worry. Everything will be OK. (Enter Jake) (Tiffani gets up and stands next to Jake) Jake(to the waiter): A glass of water, please. Tiffani: Still not talking to me? Jake: Forget the water, letís play. (Jake moves past Tiffani and goes up to the stage) Tiffani: Jake. JAKE!! Jake: 1,2- (Tiffani stand next to him) Tiffani: I get it now. (Jake looks around) Jake: Weíre gonna take a break. Sly: We didnít even start, yet! (Tiffani and Jake get off the stage) Jake: Go ahead, Iím listening. Tiffani: Jake, Iím sorry. I understand it wasnít about losing your job an- Jake: I canít believe you spied on me! I mean sure Melís pretty and we worked a lot of late nights but you gotta trust me! (he points to Tiffani) Now, go ahead Iím listening. Tiffani: Youíre right. I didnít trust you and Iím s- Jake: And I know youíre sorry and you feel bad. But you gotta accept the fact that thereís gonna be other people in our lives. You know, maybe a bunch of tan surfers in yours, maybe some pretty girls in mine.(He pauses) But you gotta know youíre the only girl for me. I love you, Tiff. So go ahead, Iím listening. Tiffani(smiling): Thereís nothing left to say. Youíre right, everything you said is right. Jake: And? Tiffani: And I love you too. And Iím sorry. (They hug) Tiffani: And if Mel wonít take you back, well Iíll dress up like a biker again and threaten to punch her in the nose (she laughs and Jake smiles) Jake: Thatís cool, I already got my job back. Tiffani: Oh, really? Thatís nice of Mel. Jake: Mel nothiní.(speaks in a pirate voice) Itís me and Polly says Aye! (They walk up on stage to play) Whenever I Think Of You What was I waiting for, The minute you walked in the door I knew, There was nothing more I would ever need. Looking for the right time, To lay my heart on the line. But when I make up my mind, I get weak in the knees. Before another hour goes by, I wanna look into your eyes. And, oh girl, Let my love fly free. Whenever I think of you, All I can tell is the truth. Now if I could just tell you, You know how I feel. (Jake removes the mike and walks over to Tiffani) Whenever I think of you, You shine in my mind like a jewel. And Iím ready to play the fool. To make this dream real. To make you feel like I feel. Whenever I, whenever I think of you. Oh, whenever I, whenever I think of you. (Jake points to Tiffani) Yeah, whenever I, (Jake puts his forehead against Tiffaniís and they both smile) whenever I think of you. (They hug) The End!